Dr. Victoria Zdrok
One of the most frequent complaints men have about their partners is that they wish their women would initiate sex more often, or at least that they would be more responsive to their sexual overtures. The reason for this common discrepancy is that male sexual desire is more robust and spontaneous, while female sexual desire is more variable and responsive to the environment.
When it comes to sex, men are mostly genitally focused, whereas for women, sex is a full mind and body experience. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld: "The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen, and women are like fire. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what [they're] doing [they] can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur."
Because women are more concerned with intimacy and passion than orgasm, many women would rather cuddle than have a mediocre sexual experience. My professor Dr. Sandra Leiblum, one of the most prominent sex therapists, once said that "for women to want sex it has to be sex worth having."
Therefore, to sexually motivate your girl, you have to work on making sex exciting for her so that she considers it a priority over running errands or getting an extra hour of sleep. Here are some of the ways to do it:
1. Improve the ambiance
Women are a lot more distractible than men. We have difficulty tuning out loud noises like your barking dog or blaring TV lights, or ignoring the noxious smells of rotten food emanating from your messy kitchen. Yes, that means turning off the television, dimming the lights, feeding your dog, turning up your thermostat, taking out the trash, and changing the dirty sheets! (If the thought of having to do all this depresses your sex drive, hire a maid service).
Then, set the mood at "sexual heat": put on her favorite music, prepare her favorite drink, light some scented candles, and spray some fragrant air freshener in your bedroom and bathroom (for some great ambiance enhancers, try ScentsOfHumor.com). It may sound "wussy" to go to such trouble to seduce a woman who is already attracted or committed to you, but women turn on to such stimuli, both on an unconscious level through their senses and in consciously thinking, "He cares." That thought alone will get her in the mood for sex.
2. Prolong the foreplay
The old cliché is true: women love foreplay! Foreplay does not mean immediately grabbing her clitoris. Real foreplay means starting out as far from her genitals as possible -- holding her face, stroking her hair, kissing her temples, gazing into her eyes, or rubbing her neck and shoulders. Learn some massage techniques and gently try a few on her head, neck and shoulders. If you really want to get her going, get an "Amazing Hot Massager Kit" available at LoversChoice.tv.
Work your way southward very slowly. Try using just the very light touch of your fingertips called pattes d'araignee (the English translation "spider legs" somehow conjures up the wrong image). Now that I mentioned it, for many women, using any French words in a romantic way is itself a form of foreplay. So, mon amour, get in touch with your inner linguist when you are en tete-a-tete with her!
3. Be more sensual in your caresses
A majority of women prefer soft, tender touches and strokes all over their body until they get fully aroused. Sex therapists call this type of touch "non-demand touch" or "pleasure-focused outercourse." Don't just grab her breasts or butt. Instead, let your hands slowly reach those goals with long, gentle caresses. When she is fully aroused and dripping with desire, she may love the rougher play; but reserve that Neanderthal brute in you for the actual intercourse.
If your hands are rough due to your occupation, sports or a day of working on your car, try massaging her with a sensual glove from MinkGlove.com. If you are just not the touchy-feely type of guy, invite her to slow dance to a romantic instrumental playing on your stereo, or take a shower or bath together and wash her body from neck to toes with some sensual scented soaps and other bath products.
4. Be a great kisser
To be an expert kisser, start gently and work up to more passion in gradual stages. Begin by barely brushing your lips against hers, and then touch her lips with the tip of your tongue. Relax and open your lips as you deepen the kiss, but avoid drooling, slobbering or heavy vacuum sucking.
If you are worried about bad breath, be sure to brush your tongue as well as your teeth, especially if you have been drinking coffee or smoking. If you can't brush, chew on a lemon peel or a mint, or pop a self-dissolving oral care strip (made by Listerine) into your mouth before beginning. You can also try a Menthol Kiss by applying lip balm with menthol or mint such as Carmex and gently rubbing your lips against your partner's to share the tingle. Try keeping eye contact by not closing your eyes while you kiss. For many women, this deepens the connection and supercharges their sex drive.
5. Use verbal reinforcement
In our society, which idolizes perpetual youth and often sets unrealistic beauty standards, many women feel insecure about their looks and self-conscious about their naked bodies. When a woman feels insecure, she is unlikely to be in the mood for sex. To increase her sexual responsiveness, tell her between kisses and as you touch her body that you find her beautiful and sexy, that she turns you on, and that you want to enjoy every part of her body before making love to her.
Pay her some specific compliments -- tell her you love her warm smile, or her soft skin, or the shape, size and feel of her breasts, or her silky hair, or her melodic voice. And don't wait for sexual moments to trot out such verbal reinforcements. The more often you can convince her that you find her desirable and attractive, the more often she will desire sex.